Friday, June 19, 2009

Warning: Side Effects May Vary

Everyone knows about the big-ticket symptoms that pregnancy brings, like nausea, people tying tethers to you and entering you in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and the fact that at the end, you have to shoot an entire human out of your hoo-hoo. Today, I'd like to share with you a few of the lesser known ailments, since you asked so nicely how I was feeling and all.

  • Wrist pain - This is quite common, weirdly enough. I mean, you can't really get a whole lot farther away from your uterus than your wrist, except if you're talking about...

  • Foot cramps - Another one from the Really? Aren't I In Enough Discomfort Without Bringing My Extremeties (Which Have NOTHING TO DO WITH CHILDBIRTH) Sudden Searing Pain? file.

  • Drooling - I wish I were making this up. In fact, I Googled it to reassure myself that this wasn't just me and my lack of basic self control, and the first thing that came up was entitled, "Farts, Sweat and Leakage: Pregnancy's Untold Story" which really should tell you a lot. Laughing is now fraught with peril. I think I've drooled on my foot every time I've painted my toenails lately, too. (Who needs those "special" cable channels when I'm giving you images like that? You're welcome.)

And finally,

  • Sweaty Palms In The Afternoon - I have no idea. My hands just get really, really clammy at about 2 pm. There's not really anything I can do about it. If I get arrested, I hope it's in the morning. Otherwise, the cops will be all, "If you're so innocent, then why are your palms leaving dripping marks on everything that you touch? Are you... nervous??" And nobody will believe me, and I'll be thrown in jail, and I'll have to give birth there, and then someone will make a Lifetime Original movie out of it, and that's just not good.

I could go on, but my keyboard is getting kind of slippery, what with all of the sweat and the drool.