1. How many pairs of pants that fit comfortably does a pregnant person need?
a. Four or five; a couple of pairs for work, a good pair or two of jeans, and one for the weekend. Cute skirts will round out your wardrobe.
b. Comfortably? Well, none. What is this 'comfort' of which you speak?
c. Does a muu-muu count?
2. How many frozen treats should be in the freezer at all times?
a. Maybe some Lite ice cream: you don't want to pack on the pounds too fast!
b. Maybe some regular ice cream: Lite ice cream is disgusting and pointless.
c. Five: Fudgesicles, real fruit popsicles, two kinds of Ben & Jerry's, and some Girl Scout cookies.
d. Well, it was five, but the pregnant one ate everything but a few of the cookies.
3. Starting in the 7th month, how often will the baby kick you in the ribs per day (on average)?
a. 40-50 times.
b. I lost count when I started sobbing because she just. won't. STOP.
c. Once. It's a trick question: her feet are permanently lodged in your ribs!
4. How many jokes about how huge the pregnant woman is can the husband make?
a. A few, it's important to keep your sense of humor!
b. As many as the husband can while the pregnant one is sitting on his chest. (Zero.)
c. One. Then the pregnant one EATS HIM WHOLE.
5. What are Elena and Alex having?
c. An ultimate frisbee player
e. b, c, and d
6. What will be the most precious thing in Alex and Elena's lives once Baby comes?
a. Baby, of course.
b. The wonder that they are now a real family of their own.
c. The money from selling Baby on the black market.
How did you do?
1. b, 2. c (but give yourself half a point for d), 3. b, 4. c, 5. e (half a point for everything but a), 6. d.
Zero to two points: You need to hang around more bloated people. Go buy Elena some ice cream to make up for your failure.
Two to four points: Pretty good, but you could use some work. Go buy Elena some ice cream so that you'll do better next time.
Four to six points: Great! You are probably pregnant or have recently been sat upon by someone who is. Go buy some ice cream to celebrate and then share it with Elena!